I spent the afternoon and evening leading up to the NBA All-Star Game fishing with several college buddies and one former University of Miami football player. We fished on Fisher Island, which despite what its name suggests, has probably never hosted six pole-fishermen before. The island can only be accessed through a ferry, requires its residents to traverse the island in golf carts and overlooks the city of Miami on Biscayne Bay. I was told the cheapest condo on the island sells for $2 million.

I don't want to say we were out of place, but if the six of us cobbled all of our money together, we could perhaps afford our own golf-cart. As if to confirm we were completely out of place, a yacht passed nearby the island and several rich kids actually began talking in exaggerated Southern accents while mocking our "fishin'." This was enjoyable primarily because four people in our group were from New York. They refused to believe me when I previously told them Southerners got mocked everywhere ... even when they weren't Southern. I didn't see it, but I believe there is a 99 percent chance these kids were wearing wristbands.

We caught 20 fish and heard several great University of Miami stories from the former Miami player. The best story he told was about the time O.J. Simpson came up to tight end Kellen Winslow at a local Miami mall to commiserate with him about the criticism that Winslow was receiving for recent quotes following a University of Tennessee-Miami football game. During an interview immediately after the game, Winslow said, "They're out there to kill you, so I'm out there to kill them. We don't care about anybody but this U. They're going after my legs. I'm going to come right back at them. I'm a ... soldier."

Interspliced therein were many choice curse words. O.J. said, "Hey Kellen, I know where you're coming from. You just gotta be careful about the media. Don't let it get to you." Just what any football player needs -- advice from O.J. Simpson about how to deal with media attention. I just love the fact that O.J. Simpson is giving unsolicited advice to anyone about anything.

Arrival back from fishing on the exclusive island (I think part of the rules of our visit was that we weren't allowed to stay after dark) just in time for the tip-off. So I missed the ridiculous introductions. But come on, the West All-Star team is dressed like the Soviet Union Olympic team from 1968. I believe this makes the West the highest paid communist basketball team of all time.

Vince Carter, Dwayne Wade and Lebron James are all wearing tights. This tights trend is out of control. If Under Armour doesn't already make their own tights, they will be wicking away crotch sweats before the season is complete.

How can Tracy McGrady even see wearing that headband? He looks like he's about to compete in the luge competition. It's 16-15 West if anyone cares.

Dwyane Wade is fouled by Kobe Bryant and the two hug for way too long. To me it looked like Wade was trying to get away but Bryant wouldn't release him.

Shaq and Kobe's relationship is analyzed by announcer Doug Collins. Two questions: Who still cares whether Shaq and Kobe like one another and what's up with Doug Collins' new blonde hair color? He looks like he's trying to copy Brad Pitt after splitting with Jennifer Aniston.

Shaq takes a lane violation during a free-throw by throwing an underhanded pass off the backboard and dunking it home. Surprisingly, this actually increases his season free-throw percentage.

My friend Shaw says he's not sure, but said he thinks he just saw the actor who plays Harry Potter behind the East's bench. If so, perhaps this explains Doug Collins' hair color.

It's nice to see that Dirk Nowitzki is wearing a mouth guard. But doesn't he already have fake front teeth? This baffles me. How do you choose to wear a mouth guard to protect fake teeth? This is like having an airbag installed in a car that's already been wrecked so bad it isn't capable of being driven again.

I wish all the commercials just featured the hot Heineken girl who is getting free beers for her guy friends. I think I would buy anything she's selling.

Deion Sanders is at the game sitting beside some ridiculously hot chick, who interestingly, has his name transposed over her. Deion has never looked so good.

Vince Carter with a great dunk off an alley-oop pass from Chris Bosh. Interestingly, Carter rotates his hands as if he is starting a motorcycle immediately thereafter. Either that or he's informing the East coaching staff that he's planning on leaving the arena at half-time on his motorcycle.

Marv Albert informs everyone that Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady are cousins. Thanks Marv. I think this fact has been repeated in every game Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter have ever played in since 1997.

East coach Flip Saunders shocks the arena by taking a timeout after Ray Allen has a breakaway dunk that appears to take place at a quarter of normal speed.

Carter misses a dunk that ricochets all the way out of bounds at the other end of the court. Somewhere in France, 7-6 Frederic Weis just slapped the table and said, "Sacre bleu, now ze miss." It's 63-47 West.

At halftime, the West has a 70-53 lead. During his interview, McGrady seems much more excited about this game than any game I've seen him playing with the Houston Rockets this season. If I were a Rockets fan, this would concern me.

Or even better, during the first half, every center has to play point guard and must be defended by another center. Who wouldn't love watching Shaq dribble up the court and try to set up the offense while Yao Ming tried to guard him?

Then from out of nowhere, Charles Barkley strikes. After flashing a picture of Beyonce Knowles on the screen, Sir Charles opines, "I'm just wondering if you see a woman that pretty, how can you go to Brokeback Mountain?"

My friend Justin turns to me and says, "Have gay people been slamming Charles Barkley about anything? It's like he was trying to settle some score with them." Nope, this quote just came out of nowhere.

The second half begins with approximately 48 consecutive foul calls. This culminates when Tony Parker is called for palming. Yep, palming. 10:1 referee Dick Bavetta did this because he's jealous Parker is dating Eva Longoria. Seriously, palming in the All-Star game? That's like getting a speeding ticket while go-kart racing.

This whole miked up feature just has to end if this is the result. Shaq is hysterical every time I hear him talk to the media, yet somehow when he's miked up he's less interesting than your most annoying Super Bowl guest.

So, my Sprite dunk face is pretty cool. I stuck out my tongue. Meanwhile, "Deadeye" Dick Chaney was just informed what Charles Barkley said and is currently doing a series of cartwheels on the White House lawn.

Doug Collins and Marv Albert continue their MVP obsession. I believe it's possible they are the only people not playing in the game who care who the All-Star MVP is.

Beyonce gets more air-time and somehow Albert and Collins discuss Barkley's half-time suggestion that the game is over. This is shocking because it means they actually heard Barkley's half-time comments and yet have chosen to talk about this. I can't wait until Beyonce ends up having to release a statement that says something like this, "Despite Charles Barkley's suggestion otherwise, Beyonce does not believe that she is the cure for homosexuality."

It's 120-118 East with 37 seconds left. I find myself begging for no overtime. Avery Johnson calls timeout and with frenetic precision draws up a play. The player's attention level is roughly like my eighth-grade algebra class' interest in the Foil method for how to multiply using parentheses.

Here are the people who can say what Charles Barkley did on national television and not get fired: Howard Stern, Bill Maher, Charles Barkley and ... George W. Bush.

Kobe Bryant accepts the inbounds pass, dribbles between his legs while moving sideways, and hits a fall away jumper to tie the game. Nice play Avery. It's 120-120.

Mercifully, Wade gets a rebound bucket to give the East a 122-120 lead and then the referees swallow their whistles when Tracy McGrady is mauled on a jumper just inside the three-point line. I think there is a 100 percent chance the foul gets called if he's attempting a three. Mothers across the Eastern seaboard breathe easier.

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