First-time director Nick Mastandrea fails to house train the performances or the woeful screenplay, resulting in a film which has plenty of bark (a booming orchestral score) but no bite.

Indeed, it is a fangless blunder from lacklustre start to predictable end, as the good-looking college kids face a mauling from man's best friend, in between screams of "Death by dogs is brutal!"

If one of the characters is close to a chainlink fence, opens a window or stands apart from the rest of the group (preferably near an exit), you can be sure that one of the dogs will burst noisily into shot, slavering with intent.

The order of deaths is signposted too. Potential victims include bad boy John, his sensible brother Matt and girlfriend Nicki, fun-loving Noah and party girl Sara, who has held a torch for John since they were teenagers.

The friends attempt to leave the retreat to seek medical help but the dock, where their plane is moored, and surrounding areas are swarming with the vicious animals.

It's telling that we're more concerned for the welfare of the dogs - which are beaten with a baseball bat, harpooned with an arrow and staked through the heart - than their human prey.

Now in its fifth season on American television, Reno 911! is a spoof of the popular reality series Cops, bringing a touch of soap opera to the action-packed adventures of a group of everyday law enforcers.

The cast and crew of the small screen version are present and correct for their inaugural big-screen outing - a fish-out-of-water comedy that transplants the small town cops to the beaches of the sun-baked east coast.

And the set-pieces certainly err towards the bizarre, like the sight of the hapless protagonists blowing up a stranded narwhal, chunks of blubber raining down on unsuspecting sunbathers.

A vision in short shorts, with highlights and a moustache, Dangle might be mistaken for an extra from a 70s adult film, were he not surrounded by some of the weirdest law enforcers ever to wreak havoc in Nevada.

These brave men and woman include Dangle's most ardent admirer Deputy Trudy Wiegel, Deputy Cherisa Kimball, Deputy Travis Junior, former magician's assistant Deputy Clementine Johnson, sassy and impeccably coiffed Deputy Raineesha Williams, sex-starved Deputy S Jones and Deputy James Garcia, whose personal motto is "Criminals are the vomit of society and we (the law) are the sawdust".

Arriving in Miami, they are shocked to discover that every cop in the area is under quarantine and the only thing standing between lawlessness in the state is, um, them.

Before you know it, the girls are patrolling the beach in eye-watering thongs and the boys are staking out a druglord called Ethan on his luxury yacht.

The running gags about Dangle's sexuality become almost as tiresome as Trudy's amorous pursuit of him, while Rudd affects a bad impersonation of Al Pacino as the kingpin who meets his match in the Reno massive.

Subjected to numerous tests as a youngster, Cris has disappeared from sight and now lives under the radar as a cheap conjurer in Las Vegas, using his hidden powers to make a meagre living at the gambling tables.

When terrorists hide a nuclear device in Los Angeles, agent Callie Ferris (Julianne Moore) uses all of her feminine wiles to press Cris into service to help her locate and neutralise the bomb.

Adolescent loner Shaun (Thomas Turgoose) lives with his mother Cynth (Jo Hartley) on a council estate, struggling to cope with the death of his father in the Falklands War.

Standing up to a group of skinhead bullies, Shaun is welcomed into the ranks by leader Woody (Joe Gilgun), who in turn introduces Shaun to one-time jailbird Combo (Stephen Graham).

As Combo begins to exert his influence on the gang, encouraging the disaffected youngsters to pledge their allegiance to the National Front, racial tensions are inflamed with tragic reper-cussions.

After she is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Fiona Anderson (Julie Christie) leaves her husband of 44 years, Grant (Gordon Pinset), and checks into the nearest care home.

Struggling to keep a tight rein on his frustration and jealousy, Grant attempts to reconnect with Fiona but something has changed forever in their relationship.

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